Deprived of the social media network to document her every milestone (due to its regrettable non-existence during peak milestone gathering years), Generation X mother seeks a complete restaging of her life for the last 36 years in order to achieve parity with Digital Native Children she is raising.
Willing to pay for services that include:
Backlog of photo documentation of the following feats:
– fair compare of first and last days of school for each grade level, K-12
– close-up portraits upon the loss of each tooth; before/after of all orthodontic treatments
– reveal of t-shirt sporting message “I’m a Big Sister” upon the birth of each younger sibling
Note: All photo captions should be prefaced with, “And just like that…[she was a 4th grader/she had no more baby teeth/we were a family of 5, etc.]”
Leveling Up of all Birthday Parties
Whereas matching She-Ra paper plates and party hats once sufficed for “themed birthday party,” this is no longer Instagram adequate. Please coordinate all parties henceforth with the requisite photo booth, rustic signage, and mason jar centerpieces.
Reenactment of Marriage Proposal/Wedding
Proposal should be orchestrated to include some element of surprise but with ample warning for Gen X mom (wearing full make-up, couture ensemble) to look both graceful and shocked, and so as not to clash with Gen X dad (wearing lumberjack chic).
Professional photography/videography should capture event within context of larger narrative of unique love story
Note: Custom hashtag should populate all video/images
Reenactment of Each Pregnancy so as to afford time and resources for restaging of Gender Reveal (since pulling live baby out of birth canal is no longer adequate determination and is regrettably devoid of pastel-colored cupcakes); Glamorous Photoshoot that blurs lines between boudoir and senior portrait styles; Nursery photo tour on blog to showcase parental readiness for human life form that will not be able to appreciate Noah’s Ark theme for 2-4 more years.
Preferential treatment will be given to all applicants who indicate Millennial mindset or generational affiliation.
Compensation commensurate with uptick in Instagram follows for Gen X mom.