USWeekly

Overheard: The Royal Sisters Say

My workout on the treadmill was apparently so rigorous this morning that I read the entirety of this incisive work of journalism cover to cover:

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As someone possessed of an advanced degree in journalism, I have to concede that I was  BLOWN AWAY by the in-depth coverage of the rapport between the Duchess of Cambridge and her would-be sister-in-law Meghan Markle. Not only did the reporter gain access to a source known as “a Kate insider” but was able to move said “insider” onto the record to document such deeply classified intel such as the fact that Markle has a penchant for popping in on Kate and, now are you sitting down for this? Sometimes Markle even brings treats. Can you fathom?

There is one piece of information divulged in this feature story, though, that I met with some skepticism. Call me an old biddie but I couldn’t help but question the fact that on the occasion of these royal pop-ins (not to be confused with royal popovers which I assume are served at high tea) it is reported that Markle will, “proffer a healthy eating tip she’s read or maternity style pointers.”

USWeekly
I call bullocks.

Baking powder? Have the insider or the reporter met any women before? Why would a woman who has not reportedly brought children into the world offer health advice to a preggo mcbeggo? Further, would a skinny model actress really offer a thrice preggo “maternity style pointers” and hope to live?

Because I am also possessed of an imagination, here’s how that must go down:

::Markle knocks on door to Kensington Palace. Royal servant comes to door. Wonders why Markle doesn’t believe in text messaging and insists on ‘popping in.’ Assumes it is another Ugly American Thing.::

Markle: Kate?

Kate: Darling, I thought we agreed that we’ll do Duchess for now?

Markle: Sorry, Dutchy.

Kate::rolls eyes and mutters something about ‘murica::

Markle: Sorry?

Kate: Nothing, dear one. Mind your step there.

Markle: Okay. I brought some Rice Krispie Treats?

Kate: Fancy that! Georgie! Auntie brought you some nibbles!

Markle: Mmm actually, they’re for you? I used brown rice syrup as I heard that’s better for maternal health?

Kate: Ha! hahahaha. Where’d you read that? Pinterest, did you?

Markle: Mmm. Can’t remember. Hang on, let me see if it’s from someone sliding in my DMs. JUST KIDDING. I read it on this site called Pioneer Woman, have you ever heard of her? She’s cute. Very big in the States.

Kate: Charming, I’m sure. Well, you may know that I have hyperemesis. Which means if we talk about food, I’ll probably get the heaves. But thank you for the heads-up about maternal nutrition. Following the subject closely, are you?

Markle: Yes!

Kate: By jove. What a thing to not have carried any children yourself but to be always at the ready to proffer a healthy eating tip for a pregnant mum.

Markle: I just want to be as helpful as possible! Why else would I pop by?

Kate: I guess I was hoping you’d watch Georgie and Char so I could take a nap?

Markle: Of course! But first, could we have a maternity fashion show? I’ve also brought over some really amazing leggings for you that I just think are so fetch.

Kate: Could you stop trying to make ‘fetch’ work?

Markle: Sure, okay.

Kate: Thank you ever so much. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ring a Kate insider about the latest goings-on with The Firm. Anything you need from me before I do?

Markle: Actually, I was just wondering if you had any advice? Like, maybe about croquet? Or do you have any gossip for me?

Kate: Really, Meghan. Are we done here?

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kendratheadverb

Kendraspondence is the personal mischief of Kendra Stanton Lee.
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