My father, Big Pops, maintains a voicemail message on his business line that I hope he never elects to erase. It is worth calling on your lunch break. It is prime material for a screenplay. It is infamous.

His tone is so severe, you are waiting for him to ask you for proof of citizenship, and what you did – exactly – on Feb. 4, 1983. He could scare ex-boyfriends into last year.

After he announces his name and title, he says, “Presently, I am unavailable due to the fact that I…”

Then, he details every reason why he isn’t available to receive your call.
He is on the other line. He is meeting with a client. He got religion.
He has acid indigestion. He just saved a bundle on his car insurance.

It is roughly 7 minutes long.

About The Author


Kendraspondence is the personal mischief of Kendra Stanton Lee.


  1. Your dad sounds a little like my dad! Except that his outgoing voicemail says: “I’m fishing right now, but I’ll call ya as soon as ah get off the lake!”

    Cheers, Anna

  2. I tend to leave long messages on people’s phones – not on outgoing messages. This is pretty funny too, my sister -instead of the phone ringing – has her phone linked to music – when I call, right away, a voice comes in inviting me to please enjoy the music while the party is trying to be reached! I don’t know, I never thought I would say this after spending my summer in a quasi telemarketing job šŸ™‚

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