The only reason I knew of this establishment in our little downtown walking district is because Loverpants had taken the kids there before and called it a successful time. There were reports of children (whom I birthed) willfully consuming food matter in a restaurant, and actually behaving themselves in a public place, versus behaving like those dancing noodles that are often scene flagging your attention at car washes or the like.
So I suppose you could say this was all Loverpants’ fault.
A few weeks ago, the kids and I had frolicked at a playground in the afternoon and were henceforth requiring sustenance. I was in the kind of mood that one experiences who spends many days in a row with people who basically eat only 4 foods, not 4 food groups but just 4 foods (cereal, fruit, veggie turkey slices, mac n’ cheese, rinse and repeat) gets in where she cannot SHE CANNOT. Not anymore. I was feeling faint and wanting to just sit and order from a menu and then for that food to miraculously appear on a tray before me. My stars! I think this might not just be a stardust fantasy, but, lo, I believe such a place actually does exist!
So, my children ventured once more to the magical emporium known as Buffalo Wild Wings, this time with their mother. I remembered that Loverpants had mentioned the kids ate well when he took them to B-Dub. Soft pretzels and chicken wings and french fries–oh my! As I am a vegetarian, I don’t usually go to places whose main export is the fried poultry, n’ah mean? So, this was my maiden voyage to B-Dub.
The place was, as advertised, and you have my full permission to roll your eyes so far back into your skull that you actually gag on them, because I really was happy to be there, n0t because I like sports or beer or chicken, but I like cheap food that my kids will eat. Judge if you must.
We ordered and all was going well. Until…
Until this man who looked to be a waiter because he was wearing a B-Dub jersey sidled up to our table.
He just kept chatting with me. It went something like this:
Hey, how are you guys doing?
We’re good, thank you!
So…do you guys come here often?
Thinking: What is that? A pick-up line for my 6 and 3 year-old? Yeah, buddy. They’re regulars here. Never miss a Braves game on the big screen.
What did you order?
Thinking: Oh gosh. Is he asking me what I ordered to drink because he thinks I’m a single mom and wants to send me over a pity drink?
Well, I just wanted to tell you about a new position we created here…
Thinking: Oh he DEFINITELY thinks I am a single mom and wants to offer me a pity job! Oh this is the worst!
See, so I’m the new guest experience Captain, and it’s my job to make sure you’re having a great time!
Thinking: Ack! He’s a cruise director for B-Dub!
So if you want to try a new wing flavor or change the TV channel, just give me a shout, all right?
I am so embarrassed.
The good Captain then wrote down his name for me, which, once again, felt like some flirtypants leaving his number for me on the check, call me maybe? Ugh.
Then I looked over at a table of high school kids in their prom attire. And as if going to B-Dub for prom dinner didn’t strike me as odd enough, the kids were sitting at one end of the table and their parents were sitting at the other. I thought that situation seemed very Duggar-style but what do I know? Times, they are a-changin’…Patrons can’t order wings without a shaman named John the Guest Experience Captain helping them navigate the menu. High schoolies can’t go anywhere without their helicopter parents.
This was all hitting me at once, and so I wondered, dear readers. Seen anything new and exciting lately? Do share….