That time I tried to perfect the smoky eye and raged at Adele

Was going to a mom party where we get all glitzed out and fight over cookbooks. Thank you, girlfrann Joy.

So of course I decided to bust out the smoky eye. And by that I mean I took 40 minutes total to research smoky eye shadow on Pinterest using my particular eye shadow palette, tailored to my particular eye color. Then another 20 to follow along and another 20 to correct my mistakes so that I didn’t look like a wax figure in Madame Tussauds. Thanks all-girls high school, thanks for skipping over that whole chapter where you’re supposed to master eyeliner applications that don’t look like electrocardiograms on the ol’ eyelid. Memorizing the epilogue to the Tales of Canterbury was clutch, though.  You just can’t imagine how often I quote Chaucer on the daily, while applying eye primer.

After I finally got the special effects where I wanted ’em, I snapchatted smoky eye game on fleek because social media rules.

Drove to mom party. En route, Adele’s new song “When We Were Young” cues on FM dial and let me state for the record that that song is a nuclear weapon. One moment, you’re just riding in the car to your mom party looking shnazz and the next moment, Adele is hefting onto your lap all the anguish and catharses that everyone who has ever fell in love has ever experienced including all the characters alive and dead on Grey’s Anatomy and suddenly the 4.5 hours you spent on your eye shadow is blobbing off into rivers and snowdrifts and you are looking for the windshield wipers for your eyes because you are about to arrive to the mom party looking like you spent the last 3 nights in the poky.

And isn’t it ironic that Adele, whose smoky eye game is on a whole ‘nother level, whose eyelashes are the same ones used for centuries to paint Italian frescoes, and who sings everything with the most perfectly breathy brassy ache, just became a mother herself. Of all people, you’d think she’d be more respectful of the smoky eye perfected for the mom party. I can’t help feeling she knew I could have had it all. Instead I was rolling in the deep. Of the feels and black eyeliner.


This was the only picture I took, screenshotted from my snapchat. Oh there’s a barfy sentence if you want.

The gal in the foreground is my optometrist. She’s a total babe and might be single. Apply within. 

Loved how Christa looked with her big pink prezzie. 

Thank you for wonderful book party memories, Joy. “Calhoun Rocks!”

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Is it too late to run for President?

With the Democratic Party debate tonight, I’m wondering if it’s too late to toss my hat into the ring.
My candidacy represents a bridging of generations between Generation X, Y, Z and the digital natives. I offer a regional blend of Mid-western pronunciations, a regular bandying about of the New England modifier “wicked,” and an abiding comfort with the Southern contraction “y’all.” I was raised super Catholic but converted to Protestantism. So I’ve got a few sacraments under my belt, will happily place my hand on “a stack of Bibles,” and have plenty of Muslim, atheist, and rabbinical pals. I’m married to a Canadian-Korean, so you can trust the White House would be the raddest melting pot full of kimchi potato stew you could imagine.I’ll be running on the following platform:

– To adopt the Spanish siesta as a nationwide habit
– To eradicate the use of apostrophes when trying to pluralize words
– To retain the separation of church and state but to promote single stream recycling programs
– To promote the use of the handy can of Spray Starch you reach for when a burglar enters your home as the only legal weapon
– To enact Stevie Wonder’s birthday as a national holiday for Motown-inspired song and for just calling to say I love you.
– To require all schools to have hypoallergenic therapy dogs, especially for the teaching staff
– To enact an exorbitant tax on abusers of handicapped parking spaces and drivers who hog the passing lane while talking on their phones
– To require 300 hours of community service for anyone who mistreats school crossing guards, the elderly, the physically or mentally disabled, and the homeless
– To incentivize millennials to have face-to-face conversations
– To encourage more United States of Awesomeness


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Sorry I burned your dinner; I was looking for the right emoji

What follows is a bit of satire for your pleasure…

I’m sorry about the lasagna. I know you don’t like it quite so crispy, especially on top.

Believe it or not, while it was baking, I was texting you! I was making lasagna–your favorite. 💗 But how to put that all on 📣 to you without using too many words, because I know you said you hate to scroll. Gives you carpal tunnel while sitting at🚦.

So I figured emoji would be my friend! 😆

That’s why, the message read, “Making 🍝”–but then I thought that was kind of misleading. I mean, why would you leave work before 10 p.m. for spaghetti? So I went searching for an Italian flag emoji to elaborate.

Which is, I guess, when I neglected to hear the timer going off. 😮You know how immune to that I’ve become to the sound of the oven timer, especially after all the times you would tell me to set it when we’re about to have a 😡😡 because you didn’t want it to last more than 10 minutes. Of course, even when the timer was going off, you’d still be waxing on about how it’s all my fault; yet I’m supposed to just be all 😶 and 🙆 and 👸.

Basically, while I was searching for the Italian flag emoji, I ignored the oven timer. So, I just sent the text and then followed up with “🔝means lasagna, lol.”

That was partially a lie. I wasn’t actually laughing out loud. I wasn’t laughing at all. Because that’s when the smoke detector started blaring. I wanted to send you a text not to come straight 🏡 but I didn’t want to panic you. The whole 💥💭💂😖💨was my attempt at saying, “Gotta go.”

Now that I look back at that message, I can see why you immediately called and asked if a Russian spy had tried to kidnap me. That’s when I literally did LOL, except only for a moment because then I smelled burnt cheese ♨ and the kitchen started seriously 💨💨💨.

I started another text to you, but then I realized my time would be better spent calling 🚒

The dispatcher was prepared to walk me through using the fire extinguisher. 💦I looked for it under the sink and to my surprise, discovered your small but fine collection of women’s 👙👙👙. I suppose you never thought I’d be looking for a fire extinguisher since I myself am, as you say, “not exactly a nine alarm 🔥🔥,” but now it looks like there had already been a few in the house. ㈫🏡 ㈫

Sorry about the lasagna. 😂😂😂LOLOLOLOL.

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