Facebook Status Cliches Rewritten As Ballad Lyrics for the Oeuvre of the Late Luther Vandross

I.

And just like that
Just li-i-i-i-ike that!…
I had a seven year-old.


II.

On this day,…
On THIS day.
I married
my best
Myyyy best
friend.


III.

This weekend…
was one for
was one for
was one for
the books.


IV.

I may not post
Very often
But when I do
When I-I-I-I-I do
It’s to share
This Groupon
This one and only Groupon deal
With youuuuuu.


V.

If you see this girl
If you seeee
Thi-i-i-i-is girl
today!
Make sure you tell her?
Ha-a-a-a-a-ppy Birth It’s her birth It is her birth
Happy B-i-i-i-i-i-rthday.

luther vandross


VI.

Our family
Is growing
By two feet
One foot
Then two-o-o-0 feet!
Our precious little family is growing
By two feet.

VII.
Hashtag
The Lucki-i-i-i-est
Hashtag
Hash to the tag
Hashtag
Blessed

 

VIII.
I love you
To the moon
All the way to the mo-o-o-o-on
And all the way
Allllll the way
Come back,
Come back from the moon
I love you to the moon and back

IX.
Mom and Baby
Are doing just fine
Just fi-i-i-ine
We are so!

So!

So

So

So

So

So

In Lo-o-o-o-ove.

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Reasons the Neighborhood FB Group’s Moderator is Resigning

    1. The lost dog posts were starting to be triggering.
    2. In the last six months, 89% of responses were GIFs.
    3. Every suspicious person post was grounds for a Key and Peele skit.
    4. Refereeing the For Sale posts that wandered into the community posts THERE IS A SEPARATE GARAGE SALE GROUP FOR THAT, FOR THE LOVE was becoming a full-time job.
    5. Grandma. Are you really asking what the library’s hours are here? You found your way to Facebook. WHY CAN’T YOU FIND YOUR WAY TO THE GOOGLE?

Interior of Townsville library, ca. 19486. The surveillance photos of the crossing guard at Humperdink and Wolf were all becoming microaggressions.

7. The bellyaching post about cars that park too close to the apron of the driveways (THE HELL IS A DRIVEWAY APRON) on Huckleberry Road were going nowhere.

8. Why can’t people just use punctuation in their longggg descriptions, e.g. “the teens that are always smoking you know the teens the ones that smoke and are always loitering around the library you know the branch near Huckleberry Road where the cars are always parked well beyond the apron you know what a driveway apron is”??
Älgarås Church, Västergötland, Sweden
9. The call for plumber recommendations was evidence why America cannot:
a.) use the search button
b.) make informed decisions without the hive-mind
c.) understand why plumbers are paid far better than, say, everyone despite the fact that without them we will die.

10. She and her family are moving to a remote area of the frozen tundra where they will live off-grid.

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Generation X mother seeks professional handler to restage her life as Digital Native

Deprived of the social media network to document her every milestone (due to its regrettable non-existence during peak milestone gathering years), Generation X mother seeks a complete restaging of her life for the last 36 years in order to achieve parity with Digital Native Children she is raising.

Willing to pay for services that include:

Backlog of photo documentation of the following feats:
– fair compare of first and last days of school for each grade level, K-12
– close-up portraits upon the loss of each tooth; before/after of all orthodontic treatments
– reveal of t-shirt sporting message “I’m a Big Sister” upon the birth of each younger sibling
Note: All photo captions should be prefaced with, “And just like that…[she was a 4th grader/she had no more baby teeth/we were a family of 5, etc.]”

Birthday Party

Leveling Up of all Birthday Parties
Whereas matching She-Ra paper plates and party hats once sufficed for “themed birthday party,” this is no longer Instagram adequate. Please coordinate all parties henceforth with the requisite photo booth, rustic signage, and mason jar centerpieces.

Reenactment of Marriage Proposal/Wedding
Proposal should be orchestrated to include some element of surprise but with ample warning for Gen X mom (wearing full make-up, couture ensemble) to look both graceful and shocked, and so as not to clash with Gen X dad (wearing lumberjack chic).
Professional photography/videography should capture event within context of larger narrative of unique love story
Note: Custom hashtag should populate all video/images

proposal

Reenactment of Each Pregnancy so as to afford time and resources for restaging of Gender Reveal (since pulling live baby out of birth canal is no longer adequate determination and is regrettably devoid of pastel-colored cupcakes); Glamorous Photoshoot that blurs lines between boudoir and senior portrait styles; Nursery photo tour on blog to showcase parental readiness for human life form that will not be able to appreciate Noah’s Ark theme for 2-4 more years.

Amber & Tyler's Gender Reveal

Preferential treatment will be given to all applicants who indicate Millennial mindset or generational affiliation.

Compensation commensurate with uptick in Instagram follows for Gen X mom.

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