Listen to the Mama

I made my way to the bathroom and reconfirmed that there was a God and His name was Mercy. The deluge of fluid would have flooded a small rice paddie and netted a strong harvest. Had my dam broken at Workplace, uh HOAH. I would still be hiding in the file cabinet. The excitement of my water breaking was soon followed by the onset of panic. There was no going back. A baby was coming. Oh my goodness. And it was going to come down this very same waterslide. I considered my next steps. First off, what could I expect … Continue Reading →

Listen to the Man

If you’re reading this, Mom, pretend you’re not reading this and pretend to be out-of-skull surprised when you receive the call from Baby Daddy… Two days ago, my father left me a message regarding a reliable way to induce labor. My father is a bona fide EXPERT on birth, so much that when I was born, he was likely so sicked out by even the thought of watching a wrinkled kewpie doll crown that he went to the cafeteria and ate a tuna sandwich. So clearly his counsel was to be taken seriously as the tried, true words of a … Continue Reading →

Paging Pee Wee Lee…

We’re waiting for you, little one. This is not a desperate plea – just a warm entreaty for you to come and join us. You’ve been a twinkle in our eye for so long now. We’ve watched your roundhouse kicks and felt your violent hiccups. Now, we can see you mooning us as your wee little rump roves back and forth along the top hemisphere of Mama’s belly. We’ve got the names picked out, our CPR skills polished, and every night we tell you how much we love you and how excited we are to take care of you. We … Continue Reading →

Juno, see also: “What kind of a girl”

Saturday night – when I was not otherwise predisposed to snarking at the punks next to me in the theatre who insisted that “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?” came from a show called “Webster” from the ’70s – I was busy allowing the movie “Juno” to inch its way into my Top Ten Favorite Movies of All Time. If you’ve ever been sixteen, or pregnant, or both, you must see this movie. It’s very wise in a way that films about adolescence only sometimes succeed. Juno, played by the brilliant Ellen Page, is spectacularly snide, clever, and self-assured. She has a … Continue Reading →

Candles, Shadows

I feel compelled to post just to assure the adoring fanbase that I’ve not yet received my package from the stork, although I’m sensing his imminence with each Braxton Hicks contraction that seems to compress my pelvic floor, like an elevator car descending down the hatch. *** This morning I cried runny faucet tears during my commute for twenty straight minutes. The culprit: Classic Disney, volume 2, track 13. Go ‘head. You try thinking about your unborn child and telling him/her “I’ll be your candle on the water/’Till ev’ry wave is warm and bright” and you try not to get … Continue Reading →

Pretty Much Totally Pregnant, Pretty Much Kinda Ready

Lovey Loverpants ramped up the MP3 player with a brand new playlist. Chances are good it is called “Birthing.” Chances are strong it includes some calming Damien Rice and Jim Brickman, as well as Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It” because we are just that corny. Ready? Let’s have this baby. *** We’ve been hypothesizing about how this labor experience is going to go down, knowing what we know about each other and knowing what we’ve yet to learn about blowing a small vernix-covered skull out of my cooch. Typically, when I’m in The Zone whereby I’m trying to concentrate very … Continue Reading →

To: Baby, From: Mama

Dear Wee, You and I had a long week, possibly the longest, most taxing week for our whole family in a long time. I know I can’t sleep these days, don’t know if the same is for you, but Daddy just went and bought a new bed at IKEA which is very pretty (blond wood = lovely) and comfortable, and neither Daddy nor I has really had the opportunity to enjoy it. People keep bringing the crazy to the hospital at night and so he keeps getting paged. I don’t know why I can’t sleep, but something tells me that … Continue Reading →

Active Life

Do you agree that when you’ve met a certain suitor in the past, you could sort of squint your eyes and imagine how your life might end up as that person’s partner in, say, thirty years? I think footwear was a big cue for me when I met Lovey Loverpants in August 1999. He was rocking the red Cons and I was so smitten. Surely a college boy who would rock the cherry Chucks had a penchant for sport and whimsy. I was not misled. Had I met him when he was wearing ratty sweat-stained slippers? There’s a strong chance … Continue Reading →

Miracle of Life, edition VII

Workplace, Braxton-Hicks are my homeboys

Friday, Workplace threw Wee Lee a shower and Wee Lee should know just how humbled his/her mother was by it all. I’m a bit anti-social at work. I’ve got my head down for most of the day, and lately I’ve been orbiting away from my desk more and more because of the requisite needs to visit the loo and the kitchen eighty three times an hour. But I don’t have much time to chit-chat with my co-workers who are, honestly, very smart people who dress in very sharp cardigan sweaters and crisp shirts, unlike Preggo McBeggo who is just trying … Continue Reading →