*kendraspondence*

The insomnia has returned and since I am not a counter of the sheep nor a committed nighttime reader, I suppose I’ll ride out the Sandman by making another list.

I always notice:

- dimples. (Uggh, I love those retarded muscles!)

- gaps in teeth. (I adore people with gaps in their teeth! Oh those enviable gappy teeth!)

- shoulder tattoos. (I am way too conservative to get one, but I’ll confess I really think shoulders are such a beautiful body part, and tattooed? I think they’re pretty.)

- your name’s spelling. (Whether you’re an Alyson or an Alison or an Allison is important to me.)

- the books on your shelves.

- eye make-up. (I may even ask you for some tips.)

- whether you used the correct subject or object pronouns (who/whom, I/me, he/him, she/her, etc.).

- the tone and octave and rhythm of your laugh (I remember laughs of people I haven’t seen in 15 years.)

- whether or not I’m given a receipt. (I always ask for one if I’m not.)

- Asians. (What can I say? I’ve got yellow fever.)

- when you don’t finish your sentence.

- in sitcoms, when they don’t shut a door or close the cereal box or leave something unfinished. (Annoying!)

- when “Forrest Gump” is on TV. (And I watch and sob every.single.time.)

- symbolism and object lessons. (Well, not always, but often.)

- interior improvements to your home.

- when peeps use the word “irregardless.” (Ew.)

- Dairy Queen and whether it’s a Brazier franchise or not.

- whether someone is a radio listener whilst driving a car, or not. (I definitely am.)

- Ann Taylor clothes, particularly items that I sold when I worked there from 2004-2006

***

I never notice

- architecture. (Until my husband points it out.)

- handbags. (I’m not a handbag kind of gal, shocking even to myself.)

- where I put my glasses last. (Even though I only put them in 2 places in my house.)

- panty lines. (I think thongs are dumb.)

- that you like me. (I generally assume you are humoring me.)

- when bands are in town that I’ve always wanted to see until it’s too late. (Gah!)

- when my kid is about to whiz on the couch (until it is too late)!

Let’s see if I can scrawl thirteen coherent sentences that have Nothing to Do with Pregnancy.

1.) Our cable package does not include New England Sports Network. Ergo, I cannot watch le Red Sox.  I don’t go to bars.  I’m too preg–shoot–I don’t have the opportunity to go to games.  The deprivation is real.

2.) I had the best sandwich of my sammy-eating life today.  It was from here. It was called Farmer’s Lunch.

3.) I used to own a lot more hats than I do now, but I wear my limited collection on the regular.

4.) Patio sets are on my mind.

5.) Smiling people toting yoga mats and looking cute in their lululemon pants cause me to feel irrationally annoyed.

6.) All the reviews said “Coco Before Chanel” was base and boring, but I disagree.  How could you go wrong with Audrey Tautou?

7.) I have recently been working on a project that has me squirreling away in my office and trolling through archives and it gives me so! much! pleasure!!

8.) I absolutely adore well-stocked mini-marts.  There is one near our house that my friend Lucia calls a “lotto spa” because it’s like an oasis for scratch-ticket addicts.  That said, it has one of the most impressive candy counters, always has Diet Dr. Pepper in stock, a full selection of Slush Puppy flavors, and is clean and spacious.  Big fan.

9.)Why is gold trading all the rage?  For what purpose is all this gold being used?

10.) My brother left me a voicemail on Sunday and I have yet to call him back.  I have mad guilt about this.

11.) My daughter suddenly loves pretending that she is swimming in a swimming pool when she takes a tubby.  The funny thing is that she hasn’t been swimming in a real swimming pool (not a wave or wading pool) since she was…six months-old?

12.) I never watch “Dr. Phil” but I borrow his trademark, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”  I think it’s funny and useful.

13.) This picture was taken a thousand years ago. In June 2008.

To my dear self of the future,

In case you are retracing your blog steps to investigate What It Was Like to be pregnant in the 9th month for what will most likely be the last time ever (unless God decides otherwise and/or you get invited to host your own reality television show “John and Kay Plus Three in a Condo the Size of a Skechers Shape-up”), here is what was happening way back then:

- You and your smoking hot husband went to a concert (Ben Folds) in which you were asked where your 3rd ticket was (hyuck hyuck hyuck) and in which you gave yourselves away as the couple who had not been out on the town since ’96 because you asked a police officer where the Red Sox Free Shuttle was.  Oh, you mean the one that was discontinued last year?  Yeah, that one.  Kay bye.

- You had heartburn that made you wonder if hot lava was going to come spewing out of your ears.
- You got a free Coke at Chipotle because the manager clearly felt sorry for you in your enormity.

- You banned yourself from going to the grocery store because every time you went, it was as though you were preparing to stock a bomb shelter for a year.  Every time you thought about leaving Baby Girl to go have another baby, it filled you with nervousness that there wouldn’t be enough fruit snacks in the house with which to pack her lunch.

- You did not have bad swelling (yet).  Your wedding rings still fit.

- Your fetus baby kicked constantly and kicked hard.

- You made yourself a Bucket List.

- You were grumpy toward your smoking hot husband 95% of the time.

- You looked at this picture a lot.
- You were unseasonably hilarious at times.

- You tried to enjoy this last month in which you’d probably ever be pregnant again, which basically meant you sniggered at the couples on TLC “Home Hunters” and drank a lot of seltzer limeade mocktails and blew through whole bottles of TUMS.

There are some things we have to do in order to get the urge out of our system, no?  I don’t mean nefarious deeds or illicit affairs.  I mean more alone the lines of indulging our curiosities until we flush that curiosity right out of our system.

In my case, that has meant:

- Eating 3 Aunt Annie’s pretzels in one afternoon.  Glad I got that urge out of my system.

- Yelling at the top of my lungs in the college weight room at two guys that kept changing the radio station to super misogynist song station.  I don’t think I will be creating another scene like this, again.  Out of my system.

- Marrying an Asian.  So glad that whole desire was fulfilled and put away.  And I kid!

- Applying to law school.  This is pathetic, but there was a time when I just needed to get the whole application and acceptance song and dance out of my system.  To prove that I was that smart, based on some faceless law school admissions committee decision.  I got in, I never attended, and it’s out of my system for good.  For sure.

- Snorting a Pixi Stick.  It was red, it was messy, it hurt.  Out! Out of my system.

- I am sure Loverpants could rattle off a mile-long list of other things I just neeeeeeeded to buy/see/chew/do so that I could tuck away that burning desire.

But the latest includes getting our pictures made with the mall bunny.  Just had to do it.  Glad we did.  No regrets.  The bunny’s name was Dennis.  Crossed Dennis off the list.

***

1.) I recently bought Pull-Ups for the first time.  I felt ridiculously embarrassed even walking down the aisle which obviously shelves bladder control products and diapers.  I sincerely worried that people would assume that I was headed to buy me some Depends, since pregnancy/ childbirth really wrecks your ability to sneeze and not lose control over your other functions.  Annnnd I’ve already shared too much.

2.) Speaking of Pull-Ups, Baby Girl had her first day at daycare rocking the Pull-Ups. I expected to pick her up and for her daycare provider to be shaking her head, holding up a drenched Pull-Up, saying, “Yeah.  Not. Ready. Yet.”  Instead, Baby Girl was given a standing O by all of her teachers at her mad potty training skillz.  Holla!

3.) I could not shake my sense of disconcertedness all day long over the conclusion to “The Bachelor.”

4.) Lovey Loverpants is right now picking up our friend Doc Albie at the airport.  I think Albie is the Korean brother I never had.  I absolutely love his Korean guts.

5.) I asked my academic dean if he will observe one of my classes this week.  I could really use some feedback, particularly on how to engage 30 college students on grammar before they all lapse into their hungry-for-lunch comas.

6.) I purchased a new monogrammed Easter bunny basket for Baby Girl.  Why the plastic woven green and yellow $.99 special from Big Lots was not good enough for her, I cannot explain.  Pottery Barn Kids has a way of sending its catalog at precise moments of consumer weakness, I swear.

7.) I cannot imagine a time in the future when I will be as blessed with friends who live so close as the ones I have right now.  And the ones who live far away, they are pretty stellar, too.

8.) I have seen exactly 2 of the movies nominated for the Oscars:  “An Education,” and “Julie and Julia.”  I HIGHLY recommend the former.  I hope Streep wins it for best actress for the latter. I would not mind seeing “The Blind Side” and “Food, Inc.” and I positively want to see “Up.”

9.) I am really homesick to see my parents.  All six of them.

10.) I recently took a CPR refresher course and I am feeling so much more confident about my ability to not morph into a paralyzed garden gnome in a moment of crisis.  I am giving my students 10 extra credit points if they get certified or recertified in CPR.

***

Baby Girl reading in a cafe.  She’s soooo Parisian.

And so flirtacious.